Love your style. That slightly unhinged, beautifully strange rhythm you move in. Like you cracked open your head at 3:47 a.m. and let me crawl in. The comfort of it. The rawness. The surrealism. Like Being John Malkovich. Sleep-deprived edition.
“Sleep as glue.” That one stuck. Pun? Yes. And also, it is just that. I know the feeling. When I don’t sleep, I come unglued. Often in angry, twitchy ways. Trying to pull it all back together. Failing. My parts scatter all over the place. A lot to think about. I'll sleep on that. ;)
Thank you for this Nadezh! and okay but “Being John Malkovich: Sleep-Deprived Edition” is exactly the vibe I aspire to, thank you. Appreciate you crawling into the 3:47 a.m. chaos with me.
Sleep such a lovely thing, but nonsleep, too, just watching my partner's and dog’s chest rising and falling beside me. Something so priceless about those moments when the whole house sleeps (but me). Which reminds me-- "Back when I was a female monk in an ashram in New Zealand” … Huh?! Wha? Shannan, can this be your next BL post? What a gift you are.
This is such a lovely image...quiet house, soft breathing, your loved ones around you. And LOL yes, the monk era does deserve its own post. I keep trying to write about it without sounding totally unhinged...someday soon! I promise! Thank you for reading so generously, truly.
Enjoyed reading this! I have dealt with bouts of insomnia most of my life so can relate. Something I think about is the loneliness and boredom of a sleepless night.
Hmm i try to stay neutral nowadays (rather than think positively or negatively). Like it just ‘is’. Before I would panic and get frustrated. Now if I tell myself: it’s no big deal, you just have a few more hours awake, it usually helps me to relax a bit. Or at least not feel too stressed.
I love the way you write, Shannan! And the way you write gives me an insight to a state I never experienced in my whole life. (I fall asleep about two minutes after I turn off the lights and wake up seven hours later). So, you allow me a deeper look into other people's lives and problems, helping me to better relate to that. Thank you, also in the name of my many friends who cannot get a good rest at night, just like you.
Thank you so much Anette! It’s wild how different our inner nights can be, right? I’m both envious of your instant sleep superpower and grateful you’re still curious about what the opposite looks like. If my 3 a.m. spirals can help you better understand your friends who struggle to sleep, then maybe they’re not entirely wasted. Sending you and your well-rested brain lots of love!
Thank you so much Shannan! After posting my comment I thought that it sounded like bragging about sleeping so well … I'm glad you didn't take it that way. I also think it's probably genetic, because my mother and granny were excellent sleepers as well, right through old age. Wishing you all the best!
And if you ever want to talk about it and sub club (of which I am a paying member) and your writing (and the annoying use of parenthesis) on my podcast, DM me. :)
It is so crazy how not sleeping well trickles over into every aspect of your life!! I am not a doctor but any time someone tells me they struggle with sleep, I recommend Trazadone. It changed my life (and my sleep!) when I started taking it before bed :)
Yes!! It really does seep into everything...mood, focus, even how much kindness we can muster for the world. Thank you for sharing that ... always appreciate hearing what’s worked for others in the insomnia trenches 💛
Since you specifically requested no advice, I can say only that this beautifully crafted piece feels exceedingly painful and I hold you in my heart with the deepest compassion, Shannon.❤️
I’ve been off social media at the Sonoma Writers Camp. Wondering whether to continue Substack with the time suck it requires or to turn full attention back to getting something in publication. New first chapter on a complete novel and starting compiling a book of poetry, so it’s been a busy wonderful retreat. Thank you for the energy, wit and expansion you bring to the poetry/writing world, Shannon. ❤️
Beautiful writing despite being sleep-deprived! There is nothing good about not getting proper sleep, and having babies or toddlers in the mix is even more exhausting. Sounds like you've nailed it - your brain won't shut down. Our bodies will resist physical rest if our minds and souls are restless and always on the go. We can appear to be physically resting, but the exhaustion is still there if our mind can't turn off. Wishing you all the best as you find your balance point.
Thank you so much Meg :) That idea of the body appearing at rest while the mind stays sprinting really hits home. It’s been one of the hardest things to explain, especially when life on the outside keeps moving. Sending warmth back your way 💙
Truly enjoyed your style of writing in this Substack. I used to have insomnia & something called alpha intrusion, where my alpha brain kept waking me up every 20-30 minutes. Not sleeping enough is a strange drug. Now I have hypersomnia where I can’t not sleep, sometimes up to 15 hours a day, waking from a long deep nap is a strange drug too, discombobulated & dizzy. I wish I could give some of my sleep away; I’d gratefully donate some to you & my lover, who doesn’t sleep much either.
Thank you Lisa! This is such a wild reversal...and alpha intrusion sounds like a sci-fi villain and honestly kind of tracks. Sending love from the land of the perpetually overtired.
Interesting. I’ve been communicating with a woman 2,000 miles away with whom I’ve never physically met, who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. We both have decided to meet. I was on phone with her this morning for two hours where part of our conversing was my getting more information so that my high energy self does not stress her too much.
I get off the phone and this posting pops up. Happens to me a lot.
That's pretty cool Jim! That timing is indeed kind of eerie in the best way...I love when the internet drops little mirrors like that. And how thoughtful of you to check in with her energy needs. It’s not always easy to calibrate when our baselines are so different, but that kind of awareness goes a long way. Wishing you both a really good meeting, however it unfolds.
As it is continuing our communications are becoming more energized and that she is not being drained but is feeling more alive. Sometimes, it seems, high energy can be useful if administered thoughtfully. So now, I’m receiving her energy as she is receiving mine such that we must be careful to not become addicted to the high but just enjoy it and embrace it.
This article is too real. In the best way! Even those moments when you lie awake with sleep hovering behind your eyelids thinking about all you've done with the day and all you hope to achieve tomorrow. Once you forget about all of that, the calm is so lovely it's hard to fall asleep because you'll lose that feeling. Will we get 7-9 hours of sleep tonight? Who knows. But we're alive and our wild sleep schedules are in this together ❤️
Exactly this. That weird sweet spot where you’re too peaceful to sleep? Brutal and beautiful. Here’s to our collective chaos sleep club...may we get 7-9 hours or at least a really good thought spiral to show for it.
For me, two things rob us of rest. One is all our screens. About 5 years ago, I bought a pair of ice cream cones in a transaction that required three different screens. The other is letting movies, TVs, and video games tell all our stories for us. These things are not bad in themselves but our dreams are the raw material of our own stories. I write these days for many reasons but one main reason is to shape my own perceptions of reality. Even when i write on my laptop. And when I wake up in the middle of the night, I now treat it as another kind of dream state. I don’t resolve anything when that happens so I let the shards of stories unfold in a recipe of the past and what might come in the future. But I understand now it’s the recipe, not the meal. I need enough rest to wake up ready for the meal. (Elegant writing, Shannan)
This is beautiful, Richard...and I love that line about the recipe vs the meal. That feels exactly right. I’ve been trying to make peace with the story shards too so to speak... instead of forcing them into something whole at 3 am. & yes to the screen chaos… buying ice cream should not require a minor tech pilgrimage.
Sleep is essential to health of body and mind. Make it part of your daily routine (this is gramma speaking!) Forgo devices. Go to bed. Wishing you sweet dreams.
Love your style. That slightly unhinged, beautifully strange rhythm you move in. Like you cracked open your head at 3:47 a.m. and let me crawl in. The comfort of it. The rawness. The surrealism. Like Being John Malkovich. Sleep-deprived edition.
“Sleep as glue.” That one stuck. Pun? Yes. And also, it is just that. I know the feeling. When I don’t sleep, I come unglued. Often in angry, twitchy ways. Trying to pull it all back together. Failing. My parts scatter all over the place. A lot to think about. I'll sleep on that. ;)
Thank you for this Nadezh! and okay but “Being John Malkovich: Sleep-Deprived Edition” is exactly the vibe I aspire to, thank you. Appreciate you crawling into the 3:47 a.m. chaos with me.
Anytime! Your head seems like an interesting place to be. On a more serious note, I genuinely like your voice.
What a wonderful, generous comment! Made me smile. Thank you, Nadezh!
My pleasure, Karan!
Sleep such a lovely thing, but nonsleep, too, just watching my partner's and dog’s chest rising and falling beside me. Something so priceless about those moments when the whole house sleeps (but me). Which reminds me-- "Back when I was a female monk in an ashram in New Zealand” … Huh?! Wha? Shannan, can this be your next BL post? What a gift you are.
This is such a lovely image...quiet house, soft breathing, your loved ones around you. And LOL yes, the monk era does deserve its own post. I keep trying to write about it without sounding totally unhinged...someday soon! I promise! Thank you for reading so generously, truly.
I am reading this while trying to sleep. Ever so dreadful, you scroll through the beautiful irony of life
Haha I hope it helped!?? 💙 sending sleep dust!
What a detailed and likely true take on the battle for rest. Sharing this one with my wife!
haha sadly quite true
Enjoyed reading this! I have dealt with bouts of insomnia most of my life so can relate. Something I think about is the loneliness and boredom of a sleepless night.
do you find the boredom a "positive" addition to it all ever?
Hmm i try to stay neutral nowadays (rather than think positively or negatively). Like it just ‘is’. Before I would panic and get frustrated. Now if I tell myself: it’s no big deal, you just have a few more hours awake, it usually helps me to relax a bit. Or at least not feel too stressed.
I love the way you write, Shannan! And the way you write gives me an insight to a state I never experienced in my whole life. (I fall asleep about two minutes after I turn off the lights and wake up seven hours later). So, you allow me a deeper look into other people's lives and problems, helping me to better relate to that. Thank you, also in the name of my many friends who cannot get a good rest at night, just like you.
Thank you so much Anette! It’s wild how different our inner nights can be, right? I’m both envious of your instant sleep superpower and grateful you’re still curious about what the opposite looks like. If my 3 a.m. spirals can help you better understand your friends who struggle to sleep, then maybe they’re not entirely wasted. Sending you and your well-rested brain lots of love!
Thank you so much Shannan! After posting my comment I thought that it sounded like bragging about sleeping so well … I'm glad you didn't take it that way. I also think it's probably genetic, because my mother and granny were excellent sleepers as well, right through old age. Wishing you all the best!
Fantastic, found myself nodding along in agreement while reading this and loving the way you express yourself. Thanks for this. 🫶🏼
Haha thank you for reading (and nodding) Josie!
“Back when I was a female monk in an ashram in New Zealand” Wait. What?
loll yeppp. someday will write about it
And if you ever want to talk about it and sub club (of which I am a paying member) and your writing (and the annoying use of parenthesis) on my podcast, DM me. :)
It is so crazy how not sleeping well trickles over into every aspect of your life!! I am not a doctor but any time someone tells me they struggle with sleep, I recommend Trazadone. It changed my life (and my sleep!) when I started taking it before bed :)
Yes!! It really does seep into everything...mood, focus, even how much kindness we can muster for the world. Thank you for sharing that ... always appreciate hearing what’s worked for others in the insomnia trenches 💛
Since you specifically requested no advice, I can say only that this beautifully crafted piece feels exceedingly painful and I hold you in my heart with the deepest compassion, Shannon.❤️
You're wonderful, thank you David!
I’ve been off social media at the Sonoma Writers Camp. Wondering whether to continue Substack with the time suck it requires or to turn full attention back to getting something in publication. New first chapter on a complete novel and starting compiling a book of poetry, so it’s been a busy wonderful retreat. Thank you for the energy, wit and expansion you bring to the poetry/writing world, Shannon. ❤️
Beautiful writing despite being sleep-deprived! There is nothing good about not getting proper sleep, and having babies or toddlers in the mix is even more exhausting. Sounds like you've nailed it - your brain won't shut down. Our bodies will resist physical rest if our minds and souls are restless and always on the go. We can appear to be physically resting, but the exhaustion is still there if our mind can't turn off. Wishing you all the best as you find your balance point.
Thank you so much Meg :) That idea of the body appearing at rest while the mind stays sprinting really hits home. It’s been one of the hardest things to explain, especially when life on the outside keeps moving. Sending warmth back your way 💙
Truly enjoyed your style of writing in this Substack. I used to have insomnia & something called alpha intrusion, where my alpha brain kept waking me up every 20-30 minutes. Not sleeping enough is a strange drug. Now I have hypersomnia where I can’t not sleep, sometimes up to 15 hours a day, waking from a long deep nap is a strange drug too, discombobulated & dizzy. I wish I could give some of my sleep away; I’d gratefully donate some to you & my lover, who doesn’t sleep much either.
Thank you Lisa! This is such a wild reversal...and alpha intrusion sounds like a sci-fi villain and honestly kind of tracks. Sending love from the land of the perpetually overtired.
Interesting. I’ve been communicating with a woman 2,000 miles away with whom I’ve never physically met, who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. We both have decided to meet. I was on phone with her this morning for two hours where part of our conversing was my getting more information so that my high energy self does not stress her too much.
I get off the phone and this posting pops up. Happens to me a lot.
That's pretty cool Jim! That timing is indeed kind of eerie in the best way...I love when the internet drops little mirrors like that. And how thoughtful of you to check in with her energy needs. It’s not always easy to calibrate when our baselines are so different, but that kind of awareness goes a long way. Wishing you both a really good meeting, however it unfolds.
As it is continuing our communications are becoming more energized and that she is not being drained but is feeling more alive. Sometimes, it seems, high energy can be useful if administered thoughtfully. So now, I’m receiving her energy as she is receiving mine such that we must be careful to not become addicted to the high but just enjoy it and embrace it.
This article is too real. In the best way! Even those moments when you lie awake with sleep hovering behind your eyelids thinking about all you've done with the day and all you hope to achieve tomorrow. Once you forget about all of that, the calm is so lovely it's hard to fall asleep because you'll lose that feeling. Will we get 7-9 hours of sleep tonight? Who knows. But we're alive and our wild sleep schedules are in this together ❤️
Exactly this. That weird sweet spot where you’re too peaceful to sleep? Brutal and beautiful. Here’s to our collective chaos sleep club...may we get 7-9 hours or at least a really good thought spiral to show for it.
For me, two things rob us of rest. One is all our screens. About 5 years ago, I bought a pair of ice cream cones in a transaction that required three different screens. The other is letting movies, TVs, and video games tell all our stories for us. These things are not bad in themselves but our dreams are the raw material of our own stories. I write these days for many reasons but one main reason is to shape my own perceptions of reality. Even when i write on my laptop. And when I wake up in the middle of the night, I now treat it as another kind of dream state. I don’t resolve anything when that happens so I let the shards of stories unfold in a recipe of the past and what might come in the future. But I understand now it’s the recipe, not the meal. I need enough rest to wake up ready for the meal. (Elegant writing, Shannan)
This is beautiful, Richard...and I love that line about the recipe vs the meal. That feels exactly right. I’ve been trying to make peace with the story shards too so to speak... instead of forcing them into something whole at 3 am. & yes to the screen chaos… buying ice cream should not require a minor tech pilgrimage.
Sleep is essential to health of body and mind. Make it part of your daily routine (this is gramma speaking!) Forgo devices. Go to bed. Wishing you sweet dreams.
Thank you dear Dianne!