Shannan, I'm right there with you on pretty much everything you've written. Boredom as the gateway to wonder. Needing lots of time to metabolize things. Reading really slowly. Yes.
This week I let my husband know that I won't be going to any kind of social function for at least the next three months, and for the first time in my entire life, I didn't feel a shred of guilt about it. We are who we are, and after years of anguish trying to "show up" to nearly everything because that's what other people do, I'm finally (!) done beating myself up for prioritizing the kind of life that feels right for me.
I’m cheering for this so hard. I relate so much to the years of trying to “show up” in the ways we’re told we should. But there’s such relief, even joy, in finally choosing differently. Here’s to boredom, slowness, and building a life that actually fits.🍻
Great article. As an introvert, I treasure solitude. I can recharge my batteries, look around at the world and just think. I do my best writing when I'm alone in the early morning hours. Spending time with loved ones is great, but I like a balance between the two.
Thank you so much. I relate to that early morning solitude...it feels like the world hasn’t made any demands yet, and there’s just enough stillness to think clearly, maybe even write something true. That balance you mention is everything. I hope to be able to return to my early morning hours sooner than later
I hear you. I found that after my wife and I had kids that my schedule shifted from a night owl to an early morning riser. Even though my kids are older now, I stuck with the early morning routine. I find that if I get up early and do my writing before my full-time job, then it's done and I know that I have achieved something special to me.
P.S. I really appreciate how you write and the thought you're putting into your choices of what to write about. I think that if you and your husband lived close to my wife and I that we'd be friends!
Thanks for this piece Shannan. It got me contemplating. It is a moving target, this desire we have for self reflection, and looking back, i see that my beliefs, perspectives and experiences change as the circumstances of life change. A few things seem constant, I suspect. The flow of life thrives in balance and too much of anything, including solitude and community, seems to disrupt the natural order of things. Also, when I consider the two states more deeply, boredom and presence are opposites. It isn’t as important to filter our experiences because our presence will attract sangha to us naturally and organically, just as you are doing now. That is not to say that work is not necessary, but when the work is loved, as it can only be by our presence, the work is no longer really work. Enough for now. Tennis at 8AM.
This is so beautifully put, David -- it feels like you’re sketching the shape of something I’ve been trying to name for a while now. That “moving target” rings especially true; what I believed ten years ago...now feels like a soft outline, something I might still trace but no longer live inside. I love what you say about presence attracting sangha...how it makes filtering less about strategy (thank fuck) and more about alignment.
Thank you Shannan. I suppose, in our early years, we work much harder at life than we have to. Reminds me of fishing when I was a kid. My dad used to tell me, "The way to get a big fish into the boat was to avoid trying to overpower it by 'horsing it' and simply let it tire itself out by keeping the line tight. (Presence)
“Maybe that’s what I mean by boring. An unwillingness to trade my interior life for a cleaner (more charming? entertaining? vivacious?) story about myself.” Lovely
loved this piece. I often struggle with the modern-day issue of doing things to get them over with..as if I have somewhere else more important to be, or something else more important to do.. so anytime I hear myself have the thought "this is boring" or this is "not the best use of my time" whether it be conversation, book, movie, or in truth, even playing with my kid, I try my best to sit with the discomfort and bring myself back to presence. its not easy and I fail mostly, but as with anything, it starts by noticing, not powering through.
I was happy to read that you are a mother, too, so you know that this way of being is especially harder on women who carry most of the mental load of a family.
Thank you Erica! I felt this so deeply. That constant, low-level hum of “I should be somewhere else, doing something more productive”...it’s like a modern illness. And yes, especially when you’re a mother, trying to be present while holding fifty tabs open in your head. I’ve had that same moment mid-play, mid-conversation, mid-laundry-folding: the impulse to flee, mentally if not physically.
How old is your little one now? (My daughter is 4.5)
Being boring has always been my Achilles heel. Until, perhaps, I realized this is just how introverts feel in an extroverted world. I can’t say I metabolize slowly; I just metabolize in layers, and I need time and time and time to dig. (Ironically, “metabolize” as a word had also been my Achilles heel for decades of food & body image distress. There are links here, perhaps. I’ll metabolize on it.
Yes! That is such a milestone...realizing you don’t have to audition for interest at parties. Loud people usually have a whole monologue preloaded anyway, so honestly, being the quiet one just observing feels like a power move at this point. Silent and boring is starting to look like inner peace in heels.
Ok, I can relate to this A LOT. And I'm happy bc I think I really progressed in caring less if I'm interesting at parties or not. Especially if I'm around loud people (as parties usually are), they rarely want to listen to anyone but themselves anyway, so I'd rather mind my own business and be silent and boring.
And yet, for all that, you’re a writer persistently dedicated to putting your writing out where it shares with others, most of whom you’ll never meet in person. Every semester, I explain to my students that even though we all tend to write alone as much as possible, writing is never a solitary act. Writing only makes sense if there’s hope of a reader, even if it’s only us a half hour later reading the shopping list or years in the future. Writing only makes sense as a social act. And a lot of writers retreat from the ordinary social sphere because whether or not we notice it, writing is socializing. Just usually with those we don’t know. It’s not about being introverted. It's about offering contact where the audience isn’t clear, sometimes not ever clear. Sounds like courage to me. Sounds like who I would want to go to the party with and maybe not talk with.
You're wonderful, Richard (I think I say that often, but I mean it and indeed mean it more each time). This is so beautifully said, I had to read it twice...once as a writer, once as a reader. I think you’re right: we write alone, but the act is never truly solitary. Maybe that’s why I’m able to keep sharing even when I retreat elsewhere in my life...it’s a form of contact that feels honest, slow, spacious. Like a kind of sidelong glance across a crowded room.
Really felt this one. I much prefer one on one connection to big group gatherings - give me a dinner or a night spent reading beside someone I love over a huge party any day.
This is a beautiful piece and a well thought. Thank you! I am highly introverted and I agree with a lot of what you are saying. Last time I was invited to a party, I ended up sitting in a dark corner all by myself, in horribly large host's black slippers because I forgot to bring mine. That was it for me, I made my piece with being a non-party person. But "attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. I want that kind of community" - this is a real gem you are looking for. Do you think it's possible to find it? Because I don't know. I doubt.
Thank you for this...and oh, the image of you in oversized black slippers in the corner… painfully relatable and weirdly poetic. I think a lot of us have had that one quietly ridiculous moment where we realized, yep, this isn’t our scene.
And yeah, I know what you mean about doubting. That kind of community...one built on attention, care, quiet noticing...it feels rare. But I do think it’s possible. Maybe not loud or obvious or easy to find. But possible. And sometimes I think it starts with just recognizing each other in these odd little corners. Like this. Hiii
'let the stillness stretch and stretch like a cosmic cat, enveloping us in its soft fur of oblivion'.... ooh I love this imagery! It's a long exhale languorous and welcoming me to settle in <3
I’ve not taken the dive into Garcia Marquez yet, but my favourite author, Bukowski (he was a beautiful loser to )always doted over him, so maybe it’s time 🙏
Garcia Marquez is a pure pleasure from the first page till the last one. I am forgetting his books to reread them again, and on loop. You have a joy ahead!
Shannan, I'm right there with you on pretty much everything you've written. Boredom as the gateway to wonder. Needing lots of time to metabolize things. Reading really slowly. Yes.
This week I let my husband know that I won't be going to any kind of social function for at least the next three months, and for the first time in my entire life, I didn't feel a shred of guilt about it. We are who we are, and after years of anguish trying to "show up" to nearly everything because that's what other people do, I'm finally (!) done beating myself up for prioritizing the kind of life that feels right for me.
I’m cheering for this so hard. I relate so much to the years of trying to “show up” in the ways we’re told we should. But there’s such relief, even joy, in finally choosing differently. Here’s to boredom, slowness, and building a life that actually fits.🍻
‘I’ve known this solitude since before I had words for it, a kind of tuning fork inside me that goes quiet in company’ - This!
Thank you Alexandra! 💙
Great article. As an introvert, I treasure solitude. I can recharge my batteries, look around at the world and just think. I do my best writing when I'm alone in the early morning hours. Spending time with loved ones is great, but I like a balance between the two.
Thank you so much. I relate to that early morning solitude...it feels like the world hasn’t made any demands yet, and there’s just enough stillness to think clearly, maybe even write something true. That balance you mention is everything. I hope to be able to return to my early morning hours sooner than later
I hear you. I found that after my wife and I had kids that my schedule shifted from a night owl to an early morning riser. Even though my kids are older now, I stuck with the early morning routine. I find that if I get up early and do my writing before my full-time job, then it's done and I know that I have achieved something special to me.
P.S. I really appreciate how you write and the thought you're putting into your choices of what to write about. I think that if you and your husband lived close to my wife and I that we'd be friends!
Thanks for this piece Shannan. It got me contemplating. It is a moving target, this desire we have for self reflection, and looking back, i see that my beliefs, perspectives and experiences change as the circumstances of life change. A few things seem constant, I suspect. The flow of life thrives in balance and too much of anything, including solitude and community, seems to disrupt the natural order of things. Also, when I consider the two states more deeply, boredom and presence are opposites. It isn’t as important to filter our experiences because our presence will attract sangha to us naturally and organically, just as you are doing now. That is not to say that work is not necessary, but when the work is loved, as it can only be by our presence, the work is no longer really work. Enough for now. Tennis at 8AM.
This is so beautifully put, David -- it feels like you’re sketching the shape of something I’ve been trying to name for a while now. That “moving target” rings especially true; what I believed ten years ago...now feels like a soft outline, something I might still trace but no longer live inside. I love what you say about presence attracting sangha...how it makes filtering less about strategy (thank fuck) and more about alignment.
Thank you Shannan. I suppose, in our early years, we work much harder at life than we have to. Reminds me of fishing when I was a kid. My dad used to tell me, "The way to get a big fish into the boat was to avoid trying to overpower it by 'horsing it' and simply let it tire itself out by keeping the line tight. (Presence)
[
… ] Xo
All my love, Tara 💙💙💙
“Maybe that’s what I mean by boring. An unwillingness to trade my interior life for a cleaner (more charming? entertaining? vivacious?) story about myself.” Lovely
Thank you so much Judith! 💙💙
loved this piece. I often struggle with the modern-day issue of doing things to get them over with..as if I have somewhere else more important to be, or something else more important to do.. so anytime I hear myself have the thought "this is boring" or this is "not the best use of my time" whether it be conversation, book, movie, or in truth, even playing with my kid, I try my best to sit with the discomfort and bring myself back to presence. its not easy and I fail mostly, but as with anything, it starts by noticing, not powering through.
I was happy to read that you are a mother, too, so you know that this way of being is especially harder on women who carry most of the mental load of a family.
Thank you Erica! I felt this so deeply. That constant, low-level hum of “I should be somewhere else, doing something more productive”...it’s like a modern illness. And yes, especially when you’re a mother, trying to be present while holding fifty tabs open in your head. I’ve had that same moment mid-play, mid-conversation, mid-laundry-folding: the impulse to flee, mentally if not physically.
How old is your little one now? (My daughter is 4.5)
Being boring has always been my Achilles heel. Until, perhaps, I realized this is just how introverts feel in an extroverted world. I can’t say I metabolize slowly; I just metabolize in layers, and I need time and time and time to dig. (Ironically, “metabolize” as a word had also been my Achilles heel for decades of food & body image distress. There are links here, perhaps. I’ll metabolize on it.
Yes! That is such a milestone...realizing you don’t have to audition for interest at parties. Loud people usually have a whole monologue preloaded anyway, so honestly, being the quiet one just observing feels like a power move at this point. Silent and boring is starting to look like inner peace in heels.
Ok, I can relate to this A LOT. And I'm happy bc I think I really progressed in caring less if I'm interesting at parties or not. Especially if I'm around loud people (as parties usually are), they rarely want to listen to anyone but themselves anyway, so I'd rather mind my own business and be silent and boring.
minding my own business is usually my favorite thing at parties haha
And yet, for all that, you’re a writer persistently dedicated to putting your writing out where it shares with others, most of whom you’ll never meet in person. Every semester, I explain to my students that even though we all tend to write alone as much as possible, writing is never a solitary act. Writing only makes sense if there’s hope of a reader, even if it’s only us a half hour later reading the shopping list or years in the future. Writing only makes sense as a social act. And a lot of writers retreat from the ordinary social sphere because whether or not we notice it, writing is socializing. Just usually with those we don’t know. It’s not about being introverted. It's about offering contact where the audience isn’t clear, sometimes not ever clear. Sounds like courage to me. Sounds like who I would want to go to the party with and maybe not talk with.
You're wonderful, Richard (I think I say that often, but I mean it and indeed mean it more each time). This is so beautifully said, I had to read it twice...once as a writer, once as a reader. I think you’re right: we write alone, but the act is never truly solitary. Maybe that’s why I’m able to keep sharing even when I retreat elsewhere in my life...it’s a form of contact that feels honest, slow, spacious. Like a kind of sidelong glance across a crowded room.
Really felt this one. I much prefer one on one connection to big group gatherings - give me a dinner or a night spent reading beside someone I love over a huge party any day.
As ever, thank you Caroline 💙💙
I totally get your need for solitude to create. Love the way you let your thoughts onto the page.
Thank you Aditi! 💙
This is a beautiful piece and a well thought. Thank you! I am highly introverted and I agree with a lot of what you are saying. Last time I was invited to a party, I ended up sitting in a dark corner all by myself, in horribly large host's black slippers because I forgot to bring mine. That was it for me, I made my piece with being a non-party person. But "attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. I want that kind of community" - this is a real gem you are looking for. Do you think it's possible to find it? Because I don't know. I doubt.
Thank you for this...and oh, the image of you in oversized black slippers in the corner… painfully relatable and weirdly poetic. I think a lot of us have had that one quietly ridiculous moment where we realized, yep, this isn’t our scene.
And yeah, I know what you mean about doubting. That kind of community...one built on attention, care, quiet noticing...it feels rare. But I do think it’s possible. Maybe not loud or obvious or easy to find. But possible. And sometimes I think it starts with just recognizing each other in these odd little corners. Like this. Hiii
'let the stillness stretch and stretch like a cosmic cat, enveloping us in its soft fur of oblivion'.... ooh I love this imagery! It's a long exhale languorous and welcoming me to settle in <3
Thank you Redbean! 💙
I’ve not taken the dive into Garcia Marquez yet, but my favourite author, Bukowski (he was a beautiful loser to )always doted over him, so maybe it’s time 🙏
Bukowski's still pretty cool to me
Garcia Marquez is a pure pleasure from the first page till the last one. I am forgetting his books to reread them again, and on loop. You have a joy ahead!
Second, third, fourth this
When someone’s presence is enough, when you are at peace and at ease in the quiet with them, it’s a beautiful thing.
Indeed it is Ferne!